


You should've run the other way

by Bluandorange



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, POV First Person, POV Steve Rogers, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 17:39:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6763744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluandorange/pseuds/Bluandorange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Do you think about me? </p><p>Because I think about you. Every day. Every day for the last five years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You should've run the other way

 

 

Do you think about me?

Because I think about you. Every day. Every day for the last five years. 

Every fucking day, sun comes up, I think your name, I wonder where you are. 

Used to be I wondered about how you were in heaven. Cuz you would’ve gone to heaven, don’t gimme back chat on that, okay, its true. You would’ve been singing baritone in the heavenly choir and yeah, sometimes that’s what I thought about. Mostly I just sat there, remembering your face. Remembering–going back over–

I knew–I know things wouldn’t have happened how they happened if I’d jumped after you. I can’t say for sure if we would’a stopped the Red Skull–or rather if Peggy would’ve. 

She probably would’ve.

Used to be, when I wished I’d jumped after you, we were both just dead. Head taken off by a tree somewhere along the way, fuck if I know, but neither of us making it. Neither of us ending up here. Neither of us being taken by Hydra. 

For three years they had me, sixty-eight they had you. I swear I didn’t know, but there’s no use apologizing for it. Even if I’d been up Fury’s ass about all the crap I let slide over those years for him, for Shield, I still can’t say I would’ve found you. Nah, it took you finding me. 

And I know I shouldn’t be glad you’re alive, considering what you’ve been put through, but I’m selfish and I am, because before I knew you were alive, all I wanted–

I just–

…The second it became about getting you back. The _second_  I had any hope in hell of getting you back and getting you _safe_ , I wanted to keep living. I needed to. I _needed_  to, because I had to find you. It had to be me. I didn’t trust anyone else. I wouldn’t. Not with you, not now. 

But you son of a bitch, you kept _ducking_  me. It was like when we were kids and you’d run off and I couldn’t catch you, I ran as hard as I could but I couldn’t catch ya. You winded me. And I was left in your dust, just. Staring after you and wanting you, wanting to just be better so I could _have_  you.

So two years you did whatever you did, and every day I prayed no one would find you. That you were safe. That you were looking after yourself. Hell, that you’d made a life for yourself somewhere out beyond this fucking nightmare I dropped you into. 

I think about…

I think about saving you from that first camp and knowing, _knowing_  you could’ve been on the next plane headed stateside. I remember sitting down in that bar and seeing you, and you were a wreck, and knowing somewhere it wasn’t gonna just get better. Knowing something in you needed fixing, and that being with me? It’d just keep reopening that wound. 

And I sat down and I fucking asked you anyways. I fucking asked you, you wanna follow good ol’ cap into fucking hell and you…

You thought of me. You said no to Captain America but yes to _me_ …

You never should’ve done that, Buck. You should’ve run the other way. Because I was too selfish to let you go, I needed you. 

I need you. 

Y’know, I thought of you during every one of those exams. Every 4F. I just didn’t want…I didn’t want to die that winter, or the next, or the next, without you. You were going away, you were all I had left and they were shipping you off and I needed–I wanted…

I was gonna die before you, we both knew that, we just didn’t say it. And then the serum happened and suddenly I could fight, and I wanted like hell to fight. I wanted like hell to finally _be_ someone. I didn’t think about you as much as I should have while they had me on tour. Sometimes I imagined you…sitting out there in the seats and being proud. Mostly I imagined you calling me fairy and trying your damnedest to snap those dumb little shorts they made me wear. 

I didn’t think of you living through what you had until I did my lil’ show for the 107th. Didn’t even know it was your regiment. Yeah, had my head pretty far up my own ass, but finding out you were SOL behind enemy lines, that got me to wake up. 

And the rest’s history. 

You should’a said no, Buck. You should’ve gone home to Brooklyn, looked after your sisters, your ma. You should’ve had that. 

Look, I know why you don’t want to think about me. Why you asked to be put under. Not that those two things are connected, Jesus, I must sound so fucking conceited. 

I _know_ I’m not your biggest problem. I know you remember, and I know that’s not the same as remembering it. I know you just want to wait for when you can get your fucking life back, without all the bullshit weighing you down. No more fear that you won’t be you. That someone will take control from you. I know that’s why you did it. I know living with that burden hurts.

But, lets be honest, looking at me hurts you too. It hurts and I gotta wonder if maybe you’d just want me to step away. Because I’ve got expectations, because I have wants–I want to have a friendship with you, I want to have a  _life_  with you, I’ve been _living_  for you for nearly three years and so many more before that. 

And that’s a lot. I get that, that’s…uncomfortable and. On top of everything else? it’s frankly ridiculous. 

…but I am selfish. I’m a selfish prick, you bet. And I can’t stop thinking about you. Do you…?

_Do_ you think about me?

...Do you even want to?


End file.
